it's so over lmfao
i know people say that a lot, but does that make it any less valid? imagine waking up to the fact that you’re 23 and you’ve been having no money and no bitches xd. i say that as a joke but also kind of not. it feels like it’s been years since i’ve actually done anything of value and i want to change that but it feels hopeless.
money
i don’t even know what i’m gonna do about that. i graduated college something like 5 or 6 months ago now and i haven’t even begun to look for a job and to be honest i don’t even want to. being a neet feels pretty good but it’s a slow death. i kind of feel like the frog in the boiling water where it doesn’t jump out if you heat up the water slowly. past experience has shown that at the rate i’m going i will be a worse person a year from now.
i’d like to improve my skill set and do various kinds of freelance work instead of getting a real job. i’m almost certain i can do this right now if it’s web development but im a lazy pos and i also can’t sell myself properly right now. i also used to do trading shit and it went ok but i stopped that a few years ago. maybe that’s an angle?
it would be amazing to just have a well paying work at home situation and then possibly digital nomad but i have to work hard towards that and i just haven’t been working hard.
bitches
like idek man somehow that feels more hopeless than money right now. i met someone online a few weeks ago that i liked and it was good for a bit. it’s a unique situation for me where she was actually genuinely fun, cute, interesting and enjoyable to speak to and then seemed interested in me back, like the synergy was there. but then she is seemingly unavailable to talk or do things with the majority of the time and also quite obviously seeks affection from 900 other men at the same time she talks to me and fuck that so that whole situation is pretty much just dead i think. unfortunate all around the board.
i’m pretty sure i had opportunities in college but i was no balls. aside from that i’m not sure how people meet others besides dating apps anymore. but dating apps feel like such a disgusting rat race when you’re a man and i cba to try that hard to find someone. i assume i would get left swiped or ignored most of the time into me mental booming and i don’t want that.
i want a real connection with a girl who is similar to me and that i can be honest with but i am dogshit at making human connections. now that i think about it that’s what everyone else wants too lmao.
wtf do i even do
i have all the time in the world to do the things i actually want to do and get good at things that i actually enjoy doing but more often than not i rot away on instant gratification slop like everyone else in the 21st century.
i’m literally not even that bad, but it’s the discrepancy between where i am and where i’m capable of being that makes me want to end myself. i feel like i make poor choices more often than not, some of it’s not my fault but a lot of it is. i was actually doing fine after i graduated. i was being productive almost every day and was feeling happy and motivated. then of course my amazing wonderful beautiful cat of 17 years has to get sick suddenly and die within a month and a half LMAO. that put me into a depressive rut that i’m still crawling out of.
every year i’ll be productive for a bit and then suddenly it feels like i’m on a treadmill. i can walk all fucking day but i just stagnate and don’t actually go anywhere. and then i’m reminded of times i was doing my best and was happiest and felt most fulfilled and i want to rope.
i’ve been in depressive ruts before, and i usually get out of them by doing the things people usually talk about like
- fix your sleep
- clean your space
- exercise
- drink water
- eat healthy
- get sunlight
- talk to people
etc etc and that’s all well and good but it’s so hard to even want to fix yourself when you’re hung up on how shit you are vs how good you could be.
making this site is probably the most productive thing i’ve done in several months and even this is a waste of time. i don’t even want to be a web developer really but i do enjoy making things and it’s time better spent than anime + vidya + shitposting + watching youtube.
i think that if you don’t have anything to show for it were you really ever around at all? which is why i’d like to do more creative works soon. once i fix my shit anyway.
idk, it is what it is i suppose. i gotta start making some moves quick tho.